tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67007577803532898902024-03-13T10:40:03.072-05:00NonMonogaMommySingle mother by choice, #nonmonogamous by nature. Plus all the cool kids are doin' it.NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-65909727249787139332014-11-20T10:53:00.000-06:002014-11-20T10:53:45.274-06:00I am hate listening to SerialI love police and legal procedurals, often the freakier, the better. I also have a long, fond history with <a href="http://thisamericanlife.org/" target="_blank">This American Life</a> (shared a few <a href="http://www.wbez.org/" target="_blank">WBEZ</a> pledge drive shifts with Ira Glass - he's taller than you'd think, likes fresh muffins). So when you put those two together, I should be all over the <a href="http://serialpodcast.org/" target="_blank">Serial</a> podcast: it's a real life, ongoing whodunnit from the makers of TAL. What's not to love?<br />
<br />
Two major things...<br />
<br />
- What I enjoy about procedurals isn't the gore or the scandal, but the
conclusion; I want to know who, and especially WHY, and prefer when the bad guys suffer. There's no guarantee that anything will resolve at the end of Serial - it's still being researched and recorded. We may -hell, probably will- end up exactly where we started.<br />
<br />
- <i>Serial isn't fiction</i>. It's about the death of a real person, and while someone has been punished for her death, he might not actually be her killer. Even if Serial closes with a clear bad guy and appropriate retribution, it won't reanimate Hae Min Lee, and it won't rewind the last fifteen years for Adnan Syed.<br />
<br />
I am happy to poke fun at the ripped-from-the-headlines-ness of <a href="http://www.nbc.com/law-order" target="_blank">Law & Order</a>, or shiver over the creeps on <a href="http://www.cbs.com/shows/criminal_minds/" target="_blank">Criminal Minds</a>, but those narratives aren't real; I can step away from them with a clear conscience. Sarah Koenig obsessing (and often laughing) over how and why Hae was killed feels ghoulish and cheap.<br />
<br />
None of which explains why I keep listening.<br />
<br />
A bunch of media sources I admire are fixated on Serial: <a href="http://www.slate.com/topics/s/serial.html" target="_blank">Slate</a>, <a href="https://player.fm/series/npr-pop-culture-happy-hour-podcast/small-batch-serial" target="_blank">Pop Culture Happy Hour</a>, <a href="http://groupthink.jezebel.com/serial-weekly-discussion-1647215096" target="_blank">Jezebel</a>. I look forward the Thursday morning release of Serial, not for the podcast itself, but to review the outside analysis and try to understand the attraction.<br />
<br />
I do not find this story engaging, I do not find these people compelling. I do not think Sarah Koenig is a good storyteller, I do not consider this an interesting podcast. But I keep listening because it sparked something for people I respect, and I'm trying to understand why.<br />
<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-53834973351361254422014-10-14T22:33:00.001-05:002014-11-19T15:46:23.933-06:00Low on My List of Concerns<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iqXjsJLNtYY/VD3qxM4kG4I/AAAAAAAAAag/OaoEwzUB6co/s1600/14-08-28_12-17-06.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iqXjsJLNtYY/VD3qxM4kG4I/AAAAAAAAAag/OaoEwzUB6co/s1600/14-08-28_12-17-06.png" height="306" width="320" id="id_94d0_76f7_84cb_2ec1" style="width: 320px; height: 306px;"></a></div>
<br>NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-90159319208115976522014-10-06T10:59:00.000-05:002014-10-06T15:52:01.956-05:00How Not to End a First Date<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>TRIGGER WARNING: humblebrag, plus unsolicited advice</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>-----------</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I give pretty good first date; probably 70-80% of the time, I'm asked for a second. Great for my ego, but the interest is only occasionally shared. None of this would be a big deal, but I keep getting asked for a second date before the first has concluded.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
*whimper*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
People, I am a coward. If you ask me in person to go out again, I will say yes. It could mean I want to date you, but it could also be I lack the stones to reject you to your face.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Don't do this. Give your date some breathing room. You may be over the moon, but that doesn't mean your tingles are reciprocated. End the date with a warm thank you and some lingering eye contact, then leave. If you want to go out again, ask electronically as soon as you'd like (forget the <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=three%20day%20rule&defid=721046" target="_blank">three-day rule</a>). That gives the other person room to craft -if needed- a kind, face-saving 'no thank you.'</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-31546046702431457642014-07-23T14:45:00.001-05:002014-07-23T14:49:34.479-05:00Broadway Meets Martha StewartI've been performing since childhood, and over time, you absorb a few theatrical shortcuts: dressing in layers for a quick costume change, rolling antiperspirant under makeup to avoid sweating everything off, wearing support hose to ward off snags and runs during dance numbers, etc. These are great little hints, but not terribly useful in Teh Reel Worldz.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Unless you're talking vodka. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Picture a period musical with a cast of fifteen, where each actor has a minimum of three costume changes. There are a handful of performances each weekend, with a week off in between. While the crew might have <i>time </i>to run everything to the dry cleaners, there's no budget for it. You either find a quick, cheap way to clean, or the costumes will walk themselves onstage.<br />
<br />
Enter vodka. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For decades, I've watched costumers spray undiluted vodka on fabric. It disinfects, and evaporates without leaving a scent. I always thought this was a cool trick, but didn't personally have much use for it. And then a guest spilled water on my 60+ year old sofasleeper (thank you, Craigslist), and the smell of neglected nursing home suffused my apartment.<br />
<br />
It took a while to recall the vodka trick. Before that, I tried fans, a mix of baking soda and essential oils, and straight-up room deodorizer without success. The stench would ebb, then resurface full force within a day or two. Thank god I thought to try vodka.<br />
<br />
After a few false starts with a tiny cosmetic spray bottle, I remembered my unused <a href="http://www.misto.com/" target="_blank">Misto</a> atomizer, and filled it with the cheapest vodka I could find. For several consecutive days, I sprayed the living crap out of that couch and all its accessories. By the time my next guest arrived, a secular-humanist-Christmas-miracle-in-July had occurred: the couch was scentless.<br />
<br />
PRAISE BE TO VODKA<br />
<br />
Days later, I was emptying Bug's [horrific] diaper pail and though again of vodka (mmmmmvodka). I grabbed the Misto, and sprayed clouds of booze into liner and pail. Then I left both in a well-ventilated spot and crossed my fingers.<br />
<br />
My friends, I have a diaper pail that DOES. NOT. SMELL.<br />
<br />
Before this, I'd tried cleaning wipes, deodorant disks, baking soda, essential oils, baking soda <i>and </i>essential oils, charcoal filters, and even a gel designed to perfume toilets. No dice. All were stop-gaps, but eventually, I'd open Bug's door and smell sewage. Now, all is olfactory silence.<br />
<br />
If I didn't love vodka before, I now love it as much as (or possibly more than) the child whose room it has purified. I say again: all praise be to vodka.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
-------------<br />
A few caveats:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
- Don't spray alcohol near heat sources or open flames. Duh.<br />
- Spray outside or near an open window with fans off, and consider wearing a mask. Atomized vodka stings the throat without any of the fun side effects.<br />
- The pump action of the Misto creates pressure inside its container. I don't know the long-term effect of pressure on alcohol, so to be on the safe side, I open, then reseal the Misto before putting it away, so the pressure is dispelled.<br />
- Don't, as I was tempted to do, throw a spray bottle of vodka in your diaper bag. Traffic cops and TSA agents rarely respect non-medicinal uses for alcohol.</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-61254422009338106502014-07-08T09:00:00.000-05:002014-07-08T09:28:22.325-05:00Old Lady Syndrome<b>non·ne·go·ti·a·ble<br />ˌnä(n)nəˈgōSHəbəl<br />not open to discussion or modification.</b><br />
<div>
----------------<br />
<br />
I added the above to my dating profile yesterday. I shouldn't have had to, but it seems the phrase immediately preceding it -<b>"My age floor is thirty, and NON-NEGOTIABLE."</b>- required some clarification.<br />
<br />
Why, you may ask, have such an arbitrary age cutoff? Allow me to offer, for your reading pleasure, some opening salvos from the under-thirty set:<br />
<br />
<i>Bachelor #1, age 28</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"You're sexy and I want to get to know you."</blockquote>
<i>Bachelor #2, age 22</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"How do I look up your nudes on the net"</blockquote>
<div>
<i>Bachelor #3, age 23</i> (the following is so <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=NSFW" target="_blank">NSFW</a>, you should probably just close your browser window right now)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Youre so sexy! I'm crazy into older women :) </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I'll start out lubing your busty body up with oil and give you a 30 minute full body massage. Gotta make sure you're relaxed and stress free so you can cum all over me later on! Next will be a shit ton of foreplay, as I'll kiss every inch of your body. I'll start out by making out with you, biting your lower lip. Then I'll move down to your neck, kissing and gently biting (you don't need any hicky's lol). Then I'll make my way down to your chest, sucking on your soft breasts. I'll nibble on your nipples and listen to you moan softly. As I kiss down your lower stomach I'll dodge past your moist pussy, teasing you by gently biting your inner thighs. Your pussy will be like a swamp before I have even began to pleasure you. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You're ready now. First I'll lick your clit for awhile, gradually building up the sensation. Then I'll do the ABC's on your pussy and begin to taste your soaking wet juices, all while rubbing your clit and massaging your outer pussy lips at the same time. Then I'll finger your G spot and make it swell up like a balloon. I'll start with one finger in a "cum here" motion and then after a while work in a second and alternate my fingers until.. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You scream "I'M CUMMING, OH FUCK [redacted] IM CUMMING, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I'll just say "LET IT LOOSE, SHOOT IT ALL OVER ME". All of a sudden you'll be cumming like a waterfall and I'll be drenched in your juices ;) mmmmmm </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I'd love to fuck you good in Missionary with your legs in the air resting on my shoulders...I'll get nice and deep ;) Then I'll pound you nice and hard from behind in doggy style! I'd pull your hair and spank that sexy ass of yours! Also gotta mount you up on top of the thick hard dick and feel you ride me like a stallion! Bouncing up and down my throbbing shaft like its a pogostick..once again I'll make you cum so hard! This time all over my dick ;) and then I'll stick it in your mouth and let you suck the juices off and shoot my huge creamy load down your throat.. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
How do you feel about my imagination?! Lets fulfill this fantasy!!"</blockquote>
</div>
<div>
Bachelor #4, age 27<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Hey how are you? I read that part in your profile that said about the guy you'd date should be over 30. But who knows you might be meant to be with a younger guy. So give it a chance. And age is just a number"</blockquote>
</div>
<div>
(I responded to #4 with a link to a study showing <a href="http://m.phys.org/news/2010-12-brain-fully-mature-30s-40s.html" target="_blank">the human brain doesn't reach maturity until the 30s and 40s</a>. The rest were ignored with prejudice.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
What. The. Everloving. Fuck.<br />
<br />
My mother had a similar problem a few decades back. Seems in her early forties, the only men who wanted to *ahem* date her were boys. So it's genetic? Because as soon as they perfect stem cell technology, I want this particular quirk of DNA undone.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-68924867829275608462014-06-20T16:30:00.000-05:002014-06-23T14:44:23.058-05:00Skin HungriesMy mother taught me this term when I was fairly small. I had an intuitive understanding of it, and I'm not sure I ever asked her for a definition. Still, you may need one, so here's an attempt...<br />
<br />
There are times when you <i>craaaaaave </i>touch, a prickly and almost-but-not-quite-pleasurable burning. If someone brushes against you, you want to butt back like a cat. But it's not purely tactile; if it was, a hug from a friend would satisfy. Instead, the touch has to be suggestive, sensual or openly sexual, or the burn continues. Skin hungries is the mindless desire that leads to one extra cocktail at bar time and waking up next to the wrong person.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Guess what I have.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I kind of enjoy this torture. It makes me see and appreciate the beautiful bodies around me. It makes me bolder in casual situations - I'll hold a gaze longer, smile more slowly, play dangerously with language. I walk the knife edge with perverse enjoyment.<br />
<br />
I am a hazard at the moment. You've been warned.<br />
<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-62685973590390322052014-06-08T14:00:00.000-05:002014-07-16T15:05:09.723-05:00Free-Range in a Helicopter WorldI've become a fan of the <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/mom_and_dad_are_fighting/2014/05/mom_and_dad_are_fighting_paul_tough_on_college_dropout_intervention_and.html" target="_blank">Mom & Dad are Fighting</a> podcast, and a recent debate on the show has me torn. <br />
<br />
Over the last two episodes, they've dissected one host's urge to intervene after spotting two elementary-aged girls alone in a car on a hot day. He observed them for about ten minutes, uncertain of what to do. Ultimately, he left a water bottle for them on the car, shortly before a woman -presumably their mother- returned to it.<br />
<br />
The host reached out to listeners, asking for advice on how they think he should have reacted. The vast majority were incensed he didn't call 911, and a child protective services employee called in to say contacting the police would indeed have been appropriate.<br />
<br />
I don't know what I would have told him to do. <br />
<br />
<div>
I know that <a href="http://nws.noaa.gov/os/heat/index.shtml" target="_blank">on a hot day, cars can reach dangerous internal temperatures in as little as two minutes</a>. Those girls were alone for ten minutes at least, and could have suffered heat stroke or worse. So in that specific situation, intervention seems appropriate.<br />
<br />
However, I'm hyper-conscious of comparable stories where parents have been <i>jailed </i>for letting a child <a href="http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=socialflow" target="_blank">sit alone in a car</a> or <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/outrage-of-the-week-mom-jailed-for-letting-kids-play-at-park/" target="_blank">go to a park unsupervised</a>, and even one where the <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/6-y-o-who-walked-alone-to-post-office-may-be-removed-from-her-home/" target="_blank">parents were threatened with loss of custody for letting a child walk alone but observed for a short distance</a>. I walked unaccompanied the six blocks to elementary school every day, but that was in the late seventies. Would such an act be tolerated now?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
What if a call to 911 led to that woman losing her children?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to be a free-range parent. I want to raise a brave, sensible, independent child who makes good decisions and takes smart risks. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure the rest of the world will let me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
--------------<br />
<i>06/11/14 UPDATE: </i>Since this post, the Mom & Dad are Fighting host <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/06/11/kids_left_alone_in_cars_should_adults_call_the_police_or_mind_their_own.html" target="_blank">published an article</a> unpacking his dilemma. He discovered and linked to many of the same stories I did, and shares my discomfort with the nearly universal recommendation that he should have involved the police:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It’s difficult to delineate on the fly between a situation in which a child is actually in peril and one that simply makes me uncomfortable. But I can’t, as a rule, agree with the many listeners who told me that the only right move is to call the cops." </blockquote>
<i>06/16/14 UPDATE: </i>See also <a href="http://theweek.com/article/index/262746/stop-helicopter-parenting-other-peoples-kids#axzz340v7gBgn" target="_blank">Stop Helicopter-Parenting Other People's Kids</a> (though I think his points about spanking are ignorant bullshit):<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It's an odd way to 'help' a child who is unsupervised for five minutes to potentially inflict years of stress, hours of court appearances, and potential legal fees and fines on their parents. Children who experience discreet instances of suboptimal parenting aren't always aided by threatening their parents with stiff, potentially family-jeopardizing legal penalties. The risk of five or even 10 minutes in a temperate, locked car while mom shops is still a lot better than years in group homes and foster systems."</blockquote>
<i>07/16/14 UPDATE </i>(law enforcement, please stop doing things that require updating this post): See also also <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/07/15/debra_harrell_arrested_for_letting_her_9_year_old_daughter_go_to_the_park.html" target="_blank">Parents Are Now Getting Arrested for Letting Their Kids Go to the Park Alone</a>, about a mom with no sitter who had her nine-year-old play in a nearby park while she worked. I second the author when she says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"How can I appropriately parent my child when doing something that seems relatively safe, if out of fashion, can get you arrested?"</blockquote>
<br />
</div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-14631669893116675442014-06-05T10:36:00.000-05:002014-06-05T16:07:20.107-05:00"Have You No Shame???"Recently, two different people quizzed/chided me about being public with my dating and sexual life. The spiel I gave them seems worth repeating here:<br />
<br />
I aspire to an honorable life lived with minimal shame and secrecy (note that secrecy is not the same as privacy). I occasionally feel queasy about my choices, but I suspect that's habituated, reflexive self-judgement rather than genuine discomfort. When I take an objective view of my life, I'm proud of how I've structured it: proudly nonmonogamous, a proud single-mom-by-choice, and an overall happy person.<br />
<br />
I date as I do because <a href="http://www.nonmonogamommy.com/2014/04/nonmonogamy-why-bother.html">I believe monogamy is unnatural and unhealthy</a>. I've chosen to out myself so I can [attempt to] role model ethical, imperfect and still successful nonmonogamy. My hope is that others -especially my daughter- will observe my happiness and consider opening their own relationships.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-84727239532084433742014-06-02T09:34:00.000-05:002014-06-02T11:08:37.579-05:00Solo Mama Pays It Forward: Adoption OutreachThis is something of a karmic PSA. If you're able to help, please let me know.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
My friend E is hoping to become a single mother by choice through adoption. Finding an child to adopt can be a huge challenge, so E is keeping her search as wide as possible:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I can adopt in any state in the US. My agency only does open adoptions and I am comfortable with open adoption to the point of regular visitations (on the 1 to 5 scale that some agencies use, I am at 5)."</blockquote>
I have E's adoption profile and agency contact information available for anyone who might be interested. Please feel free to direct message me on <a href="https://twitter.com/NonMonogaMommy">Twitter</a> or leave a comment with this post, and I'll get you connected. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-38522120398490065892014-05-31T12:39:00.001-05:002014-06-02T11:09:45.224-05:00Solo Mama on PurposeWhen I started kicking around the [then terrifying] idea of having a baby without a partner, I knew the first thing to do was research. Easily the most useful book I discovered was <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812922468/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0812922468&linkCode=as2&tag=nonm0b-20&linkId=VOYPUCYLDZOAU7U3">Single Mothers By Choice</a>, written by SMC pioneer <a href="http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/about/aboutjane/">Jane Mattes</a>.<br /><br /> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812922468/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0812922468&linkCode=as2&tag=nonm0b-20&linkId=VOYPUCYLDZOAU7U3">SMC</a> offers all sorts of practical tidbits, including the risks of using a 'known' sperm donor:<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
"If you decide to conceive with a man you know, you should keep in mind that in most states he may have the exact same rights as any father regardless of whether or not you and he were ever married. The right to support and visitation from both parents is usually viewed by the courts as belonging to the child, and you cannot independently decide to keep the father out of your child's life if he wants to be involved, because the law in most states protects the child's right to both parents' involvement."</blockquote>
Though many known donors take legal-ish steps to relinquish their rights (signing documents of intent, going unnamed on birth certificates, etc.) <a href="http://verdict.justia.com/2014/01/27/craigslist-sperm-donor-owes-child-support">the courts have begun forcing known donors into the roles of fathers</a>. <br /><br /><i><b> SWEETBABYGEEBIZ</b></i><br /><br /> The only way to guard against this is to use an anonymous donor from a sperm bank. If you don't know who the donor is, the courts can't pursue him for visitation or support.<br /><br /> Needless to say, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812922468/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0812922468&linkCode=as2&tag=nonm0b-20&linkId=VOYPUCYLDZOAU7U3">SMC</a> kept me from making many rookie-but-potentially-devastating mistakes on the path to mamahood.<br /><br /> So recently, and to my blushing glee, <a href="http://www.nonmonogamommy.com/2014/05/forty-years-one-month-one-day.html">Forty Years, One Month & One Day</a> was republished on the <a href="http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2014/05/31/forty-years-one-month-one-day/">Single Mothers By Choice blog</a>. I'm delighted to be affiliated with Ms. Mattes and her staff, and want to thank them for the wisdom and <a href="http://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/">safe space</a> they've offered me over the years. Couldn't have made it this far without 'em.<br /><br /><br /> NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-91427211645623636852014-05-21T14:24:00.000-05:002014-06-06T13:50:05.668-05:00Forty Years, One Month & One DayWhen I worked at a preschool summer camp, I saw two types of parents:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The 20s - they'd swoop in, looking harried and often exhausted, gather child in one arm and gear in another, and disappear as quickly as they arrived.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The 40s - they'd saunter in, spot their child, and begin a delighted tour of the events of the day, observing artwork and snack remnants with equal and genuine interest.</blockquote>
I was nineteen at the time, and learning a lot about parenting observationally. I understood why the 20s were so strung out: their time and resources were over-stretched. They became parents as soon as they were able, and that meant sacrificing self-building and life-building in order to parent at the healthiest point in their lives.<br />
<br />
The 40s...well, who knows why they waited. But though their energy levels were lower, their attitudes and resources blew the 20s out of the water. The 40s were emotionally mature and financially comfortable, and they were never parents by accident. Their children were sought, treasured and celebrated. No disrespect to the efforts of the 20s, but the 40s I saw parented from a place of joy.<br />
<br />
I'd always planned to be a 20s. I searched for the RightPartner™ after college, but he never surfaced. I met someone in my mid-thirties, but together we suffered two miscarriages. By the time I got and stayed pregnant, I was a single 39 year-old carrying the offspring of an anonymous sperm donor. When my daughter finally arrived, I was forty years, one month and one day old.<br />
<br />
I regret not a whit the age at which I became a mother.<br />
<br />
I know what I was in my twenties: undercooked, untested and narcissistic. I could have been a parent, but I would have been growing up along side my kid, and sucking a lot of the oxygen out of the room. Instead, I got two extra decades to learn how to put a child first without depleting myself. The fortysomething me is weathered and practical, and knows how to roll with a punch.<br />
<br />
I began this journey with deliberation, and only when I knew <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2014/03/please-say-no.html">my parents were willing to help</a>. I armored myself emotionally and practically for the sacrifices of single parenting. I endured fibroid surgery, two miscarriages and seven rounds of insemination. Conceiving in my twenties might have helped me avoid all that, but I suspect these trials made me a better parent. Every step, however painful, tempered me for motherhood.<br />
<br />
My child is the best thing I've ever done in my life. I love her as I have never loved anyone or thing - with delight and abandon and very little fear. And while I'm certain the younger me would have loved just as fiercely, she could not have appreciated or enjoyed being a parent the way I do now.<br />
<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-4651555187166646642014-05-16T11:05:00.000-05:002014-06-06T13:49:58.053-05:00Definitions, Redux - "Nonmonog v. Poly"Now that I'm <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2014/02/untwist.html">post-primary</a>, it seems worth reposting my personal definitions of polyamory, swinging and nonmonogamy, minus the specifics of how Dodi and I structured our now-defunct relationship. As always, these are generalities based on my experience rather than something textbook-y or canonical. Feel free to call bullshit.<br />
<br />
<b>Polyamory </b>is making emotional and sexual commitments to multiple partners. This sometimes produces closed groups, where the members are intimate with one another, but not with outsiders.<br />
<br />
<b>Swinging </b>is generally no-strings sex with strangers or acquaintances outside your primary relationship. Sometimes they're one-offs, sometimes they're ir/regular dates. But the interactions tend to be sex-centric rather than about intimacy.<br />
<br />
<b>Nonmonogamy </b>-again, defined by my experience- falls somewhere between the two. In my case, I usually have a handful of partners. I consider them all friends to one degree or another, and our sexual interactions wax and wane. At times, I may be intimate with two or three people on a regular basis, at times one, at times none. The commonality is that I do my best to be honest and respectful toward each of them, while still maintaining my independence. They are my friends and my lovers, but they are not my partners.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-47041776269910918202014-05-14T10:15:00.000-05:002014-06-02T11:20:04.805-05:00Wheaton's LawI had a nice first date a few weeks ago, including decent chemistry and a workable goodbye kiss. We planned a second date, but had to reschedule when he picked up a shift for a co-worker. No problem. Then, a few days before the reschedule, Mr. NiceFirstDate texted to cancel. The reason? <br /><br /> "My level of interest has waned."<br /><br /><br /> <br /> --<br />As loyal readers know, my nonmonogamy watchwords are <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-bare-essentials-honesty-respect.html">honesty</a> and <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-bare-essentials-honesty-respect.html">respect</a>. Without 'em, all is anarchy and STIs. But there's a caveat I've neglected, and it is best summed up by philosopher <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wil_Wheaton">Wil Wheaton</a>:<br /><br /><a href="http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/wheatons-law">Don't be a dick.</a><br /><br />Look, Mr. NFD, I really appreciate you not leading me on or wasting my time; I wish more online daters were like you. But it would have been really, really lovely if you'd sugar-coated your disinterest a tiny bit.<br /><br /> I'd have been good with a white lie ("I met someone last week, and we're going to give monogamy a spin.") You could have requested another reschedule without specifying a date (the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr8HKRTavM0">Fade Away</a> is a personal favorite). You could have fed me an obvious whopper ("The Foreign Legion. Huh. They take men in their late forties?") But the unvarnished truth was just the tiniest bit mean. Sure, the words were technically an it's-not-you-it's-me, but they still carried the sting of It's-You.<br /><br /> Even battle-hardened nonmonogamists like me have tender bits. There's kindness and good karma in wrapping rejection in a little cotton wool before you drop it on someone.<br /><br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-72662838761587741372014-04-04T15:23:00.000-05:002014-06-02T11:22:25.368-05:00Nonmonogamy - "Why Bother?"A favorite <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/doublex_gabfest/2014/04/affairs_in_happy_marriages_gwyneth_paltrow_s_version_of_divorce_and_the.html" target="_blank">podcast</a> of mine took a swing [and a miss] at discussing open relationships. The roundtable was a group of monogamous women (one gay, two straight) who expressed bafflement at the attraction of open relationships. Unfortunately, the conversation ate its own tail, since there was no one there to offer a nonmonogamous perspective. So! Here's my random and unsolicited 2.5 cents:<br />
<br />
- Human beings are wired to seek sexual novelty, and we ignore that need at our peril. People in otherwise happy relationships wander (I loathe the term 'cheat') because the urge for strange is a biological compulsion. Resisting that compulsion doesn't make you a better partner. Giving in to it -within the negotiated framework of an open relationship- can.<br />
<br />
- People in healthy open relationships get REALLY good at communicating. The stuff nonmonogamous partners discuss can be hugely uncomfortable, awkward and painful, but also enlightening and enriching. Even if a relationship ends, the partners walk away knowing themselves better, and are often primed to be healthier partners to those they connect with in the future.<br />
<br />
- Nonmongamy is hot. G'wan - dispute that, I dare you. :D<br />
<br />
Speaking personally:<br />
<br />
- Committed relationships make me bored, intolerant, antsy and generally unhappy. I find open relationships let in nearly all of the good and very little of the bad.<br />
<br />
- I suck at the responsibilities that accompany commitment. For example, I can be a great friend when you're having a serious illness, but I don't have the emotional resources to be a 24/7 source of support to a monogamous partner.<br />
<br />
- I'm reeeeeeally bad at sharing my space. I've lived with three different boyfriends, and ended up hating it every time. I can handle living with my kid, but that's because I make the rules (and thus far pick out all the artwork and furniture).<br />
<br />
- Sure, go ahead and tell me that dating someone doesn't require cohabitating, but who are we kidding? Even at my age (early forties), there's an expectation that monogamous relationships are Going Somewhere. No one expects a nonmonogamous pairing to have that kind of trajectory - the pressure doesn't exist.<br />
<br />
- People who know me have heard this crack a million times, but it's true: when I stopped looking for a single person to be my Everything (partner, babydaddy, best friend), I started dating MUCH more compatible men. Turns out the kind of guy who trips my trigger often isn't someone suited to be a father.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
IN SUMMATION: nonmonogamy makes me happy. And I say unto the very literate and charming members of the Double X Gabfest: don't knock it til you try it.
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-26627416323413112612014-03-20T12:30:00.001-05:002014-06-02T11:35:39.405-05:00Please Say NoWhen I was considering parenting alone, I knew I could only pull it off with significant outside support. I went to all three of my parents (mother, father, stepmother) and asked if they were willing and prepared to raise a child with me. When I got a trio of enthusiastic yeses, I returned to my hometown and began the babydance.<br />
<br />
Bug is now a toddler, and my parents are deeply involved in her day-to-day care. Each of them has her for a full day a week while I work, and sometimes watch her at night when I socialize. She is a healthy, happy little kid in no small part thanks to their nurturing.<br />
<br />
Recently, I made a somewhat-last-minute request that Mom babysit on a Saturday night. She was openly torn: she's been tired and stressed by her job and by a dear friend's illness, but hates saying no to something she is technically, scheduling-wise, skill-wise able to do. I heard the conflict in her voice and told her, "Please say no. Then when you tell me yes, I will trust it."<br />
<br />
Understand that I am NOT good at accepting help. I'm proud and stubborn and I hatehatehate putting people out. If I think someone is overextended by helping me, the help does more damage than good. I feel guilty, anxious, and if I'm out doing something intended to be fun, I have a lousy time. But I've [mostly] gotten past my discomfort by the liberal application of this mantra:<br />
<b><br /></b>
<i>trust people to say no</i><br />
<br />
As I've harped before, unless you <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-oxygen-mask-imperative.html" target="_blank">replenish yourself</a>, you'll be useless to those you care about. The inverse of this is trusting those around you to set their own boundaries. You're never going to be a mind reader, so you have to take what people say at face value. Believe that loved ones will only offer what is free and safe to give.<br />
<br />
This philosophy is doubly applicable in nonmonogamy.<br />
<br />
If you choose to have multiple partners, you will be all-but-literally juggling people. In your attempts to be supportive, attentive, loving, <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=GGG" target="_blank"><b>GGG</b></a>, etcetc, you're going to fuck up. A lot. Recurrently. A whole bunch. Often. Sometimes, you won't even know that you've fucked up, your head is so far up your many-partnered ass. So you need to cultivate connections where it's safe to say and hear no<br />
<br />
When you enter a new pairing, or when you're doing maintenance on an existing one, tell your partner explicitly: 'if I ask for something that you can't afford to give, I need you to say no. That way, when you say yes, I know that you are doing so willingly and without causing damage to yourself.'<br />
<br />
<br />
---------------<br />
The longer I play this game, the more parallels I find between dating and parenting. Can't decide if that's amazing or gross. *sigh*NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-33075813280178160152014-02-10T14:16:00.002-06:002014-06-02T11:24:52.258-05:00untwistI am no longer Dodi's primary. <br />
<br />
I share this because the disappearance of Dodi from my writing will be obvious and odd. I'm sure details will feature in future posts, but at the moment, it's sufficient to state that the relationship has ended.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Nonmonogamy, as I often, OFTEN say, is not for sissies.<br /><br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-59159776089911979462014-01-02T13:11:00.000-06:002014-06-02T11:27:40.659-05:00SwungDodi escorted me to my first swingers party this week. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Shall we unpack?<br />
<br />
------------<br />
As I've explained in a previous <a href="http://nonmonogamommy.blogspot.com/2013/11/nonmonogamy-versus-polyamory.html" target="_blank">post</a>, I don't treat sex with a new partner casually. Just last night, someone canceled when he realized I wouldn't play immediately - said the drive wasn't worth it. Always nice when the assholes self-eliminate.
<br />
<br />
ANYway...<br />
<br />
In addition to being cautious about bedding someone new, Dodi and I don't swap. <br />
<br />
Yes, I know: "WTF, you <i><b>do</b></i>!"<br />
<br />
No, we don't. We have partners outside of our relationship, but 1) we don't play with those partners when we're together, and we certainly don't 2) ditch each other at a party to mess around with strangers.<br />
<br />
So why go to a swingers party at all? A Dom attending the same event asked me that: if you don't swap, why go?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Pre-kink, I averaged about four partners at a time, rather than the two (or less) I do now. I suspect back then I was chasing an <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy" target="_blank">NRE</a> buzz.<br />
<br />
Mid-kink, I'm learning that I can get my buzz with one partner, if what we're doing violates a taboo or six. So Dodi and I have been trying different kink events, discovering what fits us best.<br />
<br />
We started at a monthly event promoted as having "plenty of play equipment," complimentary munchies, and a nearly-anything-goes policy (short of fire or "excessively messy" play). <br />
<br />
We met lots of nice people (many already known to Dodi), but the event itself wasn't a good fit. Beyond the chattiness in the social areas, the play felt very cold. Folks don't attend this for the interactions; they go for the large, expensive equipment they wouldn't otherwise have access to: massage tables, Saint Andrew's crosses, medical exam tables, suspension frames, etc. I've described it since as a kink gym, complete with the expectation that you'll spray and wipe down the hardware when you're done. This was not the buzz I was looking for.<br />
<br />
Months after that experience, a friend attended and spoke highly of a local swingers party. I was a n00b, but Dodi had swung with an earlier partner, and was game to attend again, even if we'd only be watching. We RSVP'd, picked out some pretty clothes and I nervously crossed my fingers. I loved the idea of this evening, but I knew the real thing would challenge me.<br />
<br />
At first glance, the party looked like a wedding reception: nicely dressed, generally attractive couples chatting blandly while consuming drinks and hors d'oeuvres. Then I turned my head and discovered the all-girl porn playing from projectors and televisions throughout the house. Ah, the dichotomy of kink.<br />
<br />
As I waited for Dodi to bring me a drink, I noticed several men assessing me with an openness I've rarely experienced. Rather than turning me on, it left me feeling surprisingly vulnerable and faceless.<br />
<br />
Dodi and I took our drinks and food and settled alone on a couch. Other couples slowly joined us, making nervous attempts at conversation and flirting. Blessedly, Dodi exercised his usual social jujitsu, and soon had everyone laughing and much more at ease. The first few hours passed in entertaining chastity.<br />
<br />
Then the hostess circulated and instructed her guests that it was time to change into lingerie. This apparently was the signal for the true swing to begin, because suddenly there was a whole lot of sex going on.<br />
<br />
I'd always assumed that I would find watching what is essentially live porn to be erotic, but this wasn't. The interactions, however blatant, were in their way as detached as what I'd seen at the first kink event. Every couple but one was in a bubble, playing alone and apparently oblivious to their surroundings; they might have been in their bedrooms at home. Even the single exception -one woman exploring another while a man observed- seemed mechanical, as if they were playing out a script rather than doing things they found genuinely arousing. The little we witnessed did nothing for me or Dodi. We made a half-hearted attempt at messing around, then dressed and headed home.<br />
<br />
------------<br />
I suspect Dodi and I are having a Goldilocks moment: the first event was too cold, the second was too hot. It will take at least a few more attempts to find our personal 'just right.' I wonder what it will be. : )<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-1326160946603483262013-12-05T11:43:00.001-06:002014-06-02T11:28:24.225-05:00Mommy Brain - Doing It Wrong?I just started listening to <a href="http://www.maximumfun.org/shows/one-bad-mother" target="_blank">One Bad Mother</a>. The hosts are two married straight women who -it sounds like- do more of the workday caregiving for their only children than I do for mine. I didn't expect to have a ton in common with them (big life-choice differences between married and <a href="http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/about/" target="_blank">SMC</a> moms), but they're starting to make me think I'm a weird parent. <br />
<br />
In <a href="http://www.maximumfun.org/one-bad-mother/one-bad-mother-episode-1-getting-pregnantagain" target="_blank">episode one</a>, the hosts have a very commiserate-y discussion about how hard it is to leave the house. One mentioned that even when leaving withOUT her three year old, it can take her five attempts to get out of the door, because she keeps forgetting to take stuff (sunglasses, keys, purse, etc.). <br />
<br />
Uhhhhh...whut? <br />
<br />
I work four days a week. Bug needs to get to a caregiver around 8a in order for me to arrive at the office on time-ish. We rarely arrive later than 8:15a, and I almost never forget anything. Literally, in nearly two years of this routine, I've forgotten to transfer the carseat twice. <br />
<br />
Am I doing this wrong? <br />
<br />
I admit to having a diagnosed case of (quoting the shrink now) "mild OCD." I am certainly more of a planful listmaker than the average human being. I recognize that becoming a parent thins a person's mental resources.<br />
<br />
But...c'mon. <i>Five </i>attempts to leave the house? <br />
<br />
Not sure yet if this podcast is a keeper - I may not be the right audience. : / NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-36751293984331091652013-12-04T16:20:00.000-06:002014-06-02T12:32:13.074-05:00It's Black, it's White...it's Not.'A relationship is either open, or it's closed. Black/white. Binary.' <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: start;"><br /> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/4jd6dNrJRh4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe> </div>
<br />
But...<br />
<br />
'And when an open relationship is stressed, the clear solution is to shut things down.' <br />
<br />
But! <br />
<br />
You don't have to. And you probably shouldn't. <br />
<br />
New secondary relationships play to the id. Thanks to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_basis_of_love#Neurochemistry" target="_blank">biochemistry</a> of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy" target="_blank">NRE</a> , you're basically a stoner obsessed with a shiny toy. If someone snatches that toy away, you will not only resent the snatch-er, but the toy will take on unmerited importance. <br />
<br />
So. <br />
<br />
Instead of stepping away from your secondary connections (and running the risk of resentment and obsession), consider changing relationship boundaries. Dial back to friendship. Continue being physical, but reserve certain acts for the primaries. Leave the boundaries where they are, but limit how often secondaries see one another. Etc, etc. Primaries can reshape their outside interactions, with the understanding that things can and probably should change again in the future. <br />
<br />
The bottom line is: the more you treat nonmonogoamy in absolutes, the more you're going to trip yourself up. There are always more than two options (usually <i>many </i>more), and no choice is written in stone. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>(PS. How smooth am I, embedding an MJ video? Huh? Huh???)</i> NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-82654937983894238612013-11-21T06:00:00.000-06:002014-06-02T11:32:28.439-05:00PanaceaWhen you are the common point between two people, and when you are the reason they are in odd, somewhat passive conflict, you want to smooth the bumps. It hurts you when they hurt, and you will tie yourself in celtic knots to make sure they are okay. <br />
<br />
Now deep breath, because I am about to share an uncomfortable truth: <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
you cannot fix this
</div>
<br />
Assuming that you opened your relationship ethically (big leap, I know), all of your partners are 1) grownups who 2) entered into nonmonogamy willingly and consciously. You are responsible for your behavior, but you are not responsible for your partners' happiness. <br />
<br />
Sucks, don'it. <br />
<br />
If you are utterly unable to keep from doing something, you can try what I think of as "humanizing the third." If primary & secondary/wife & girlfriend/Thing 1 & Thing 2 connect in some small way, they become much less of a threat to one another. It's easy to fear the unknown; it's harder to fear that person with the ridiculous screen name and terrific taste in shoes. <br />
<br />
Suggest to your partners that they write to one another. Doesn't have to be big, doesn't have to be long, doesn't (and probably shouldn't) have any substance. Just give them one another's email addresses, and suggest they swap a message. Then step back and trust them. : )<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-879900772503397572013-11-20T11:28:00.000-06:002014-06-02T11:33:19.330-05:00Flesh versus FeelingsThe hardest part of opening a relationship is knowing your beloved will sleep with another.
<br />
<br />
...right?<br />
<br />
I share with you the weird free verse I recently birthed in Gchat:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
It's much easier to share your partner's body than your partner's mind.<br />
But you expect and prep for the inverse.<br />
So when you realize that your partner has feelings for someone else, it HURTS.<br />
Because you didn't armor up for that.
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The hardest part of opening a relationship is trusting your beloved's heart has room for you, and for another.NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-31985954606034668162013-11-13T20:56:00.000-06:002014-06-02T12:26:28.264-05:00The Oxygen Mask ImperativeAt the start of every commercial flight, the flight attendant mentions that "in the event of an emergency," oxygen masks will drop down from an overhead panel. You are cautioned to don and adjust your own mask before helping your travel partners with theirs. This makes enormous sense: if the cabin is losing oxygen, and you pass out helping frail Grandma get her mask on, you're both screwed.<br />
<br />
I do my best to live my life according to this metaphor.<br />
<br />
A beloved former therapist calls it "filling your cup first." If you are depleted, you have no resources to offer anyone else. You replenish yourself in order to be available to the people you love.<br />
<br />
Nonmonogamy is my way of filling my cup. Every aspect of it gives me a charge: visiting my dating profile and seeing who's peeked at me, flirting with strangers, meeting someone and hoping for a spark, seeing an old partner and retracing our familiarity, finding a new partner and exploring the connection. Nonmonogamy makes me feel attractive and interesting and valued. It fuels my emotional engine.<br />
<br />
By extension, nonmonogamy helps me be a better mother. While my daughter rightly exists at the center of my world, she isn't my everything (Imagine the pressure on her! She'd be <a href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/23/would-you-put-a-tracking-device-on-your-child/" target="_blank">biochipped</a>, and I'd still never let her out of the house.) Putting motherhood aside for a time and focusing on adult intimacy is restorative. When I later return to my baby, the delights of being a mom return also.<br />
<br />
Obviously, what I find replenishing won't work for everyone, even if they <i>are</i> nonmonogamous. What's important is that you discover and keep handy what turns out to be your oxygen mask, your cup filler. This kind of self-care will ultimately make you a better partner and, if you you're anything like me, a better parent.NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-20845385483819834332013-11-11T07:30:00.000-06:002014-06-02T12:31:09.916-05:00The Bare Essentials: Honesty & RespectSeveral years ago -pre-baby but mid-<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-monogamy" target="_blank">nonmonogamy</a>- I found myself pursued by a twentysomething with great abs. Normally, I wouldn't have bothered with someone so undercooked, but he sent me this vast, glutinous slab of text as his opener; a missive so ridiculous and overwrought, I couldn't help but respond with:
"You sound like you swallowed a thesaurus."<br />
<br />
The rest of his messages were normal, even witty, but he was still a good fifteen years my junior. He kept asking for a date, and I kept saying no. I put him off successfully until he sent me a shirtless photo.<br />
<br />
Don't judge.<br />
<br />
We scheduled a Saturday date at a pretty horrible local restaurant. I thought his choice of venue was weird, but who am I to judge/kids these days/etc.?<br />
<br />
Several days later, a friend sent out a group email. Some undercooked twentysomething had messaged her with a glutinous slab of text, and wasn't it hilarious and…<br />
<br />
<i> ohmygodhesentustheexactsamemessage</i><br />
<br />
AbBoy, once confronted, admitted his misstep. He'd lived in a much larger town before, you see, and had several polished (ohmygod, he thought that was POLISHED??) openers saved in a Word doc. When he came across someone interesting on a dating site, he'd copy and paste from the doc, and wait for the panties to collect at his feet.<br />
<br />
I explained, gently and condescendingly, that his new hometown and its nonmonogamous community are far too small to suffer stunts like that. In the future, he'd do better treating each person as a snowflake (no, I didn't ACTually say snowflake), and writing a new opener every time. He apologized, and we let the issue go.<br />
<br />
The week progressed, and by Thursday, he was asking to also meet that night. I told him I was having dinner with a friend, but agreed to contact him when I was free.<br />
<br />
Post-dinner, I set myself up in a coffeehouse/wine bar with a drink and a book. I sent AbBoy a text to let him know where I was, and that I'd be happy for his company.<br />
<br />
His response was less than enthused. He made noises about expecting that we'd meet at the Horrible Restaurant. Confused, I explained that I'd found the nearest reasonable date spot to the place where I'd had dinner, and since I already had a drink, couldn't he meet me there?<br />
<br />
After much hemming and hawing, AbBoy said he would admit to something he was hoping never to tell me, something he hadn't even told his parents: he had a DUI. Thinking the issue was abstaining, I assured him I'd gotten a smoothie, so he wouldn't have to watch me drink-drink.<br />
<br />
No, <i>alcohol</i> wasn't the issue - his rescinded drivers license was.<br />
<br />
AbBoy picked the Horrible Restaurant, not because he liked it, but because it was within walking distance of his apartment. He admitted that, if we'd kept seeing each other, he'd planned to coax me into only meeting near or at his place.<br />
<br />
I told AbBoy I didn't want to see him that night. I finished my drink, and went home.<br />
<br />
--------------<br />
I woke the next morning with an email nearly fully formed in my mind. I hit send the moment it was transcribed:<br />
<blockquote>
"I've decided not to meet you this Saturday, and I'd like to explain why.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Building nonmonogamous sexual relationships is incredibly tricky. Even in cases where it's basically just fucking, there still has to be a minimal foundation of respect and honesty. In my experience, it's the only way to juggle partners and still keep everyone involved happy and safe. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
You violated those principles in two ways yesterday. First, as we discussed, you treated me and my friend as if we were interchangeable. Obviously, that's no sin, but it was a indication that getting involved with you would mean you wouldn't think of me as an individual. Not a dealbreaker, but certainly disconcerting and not part of cultivating the respect I require. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Then, you misled me about your DUI. Again, I know you feel appropriately terrible about the violation, but at the moment, I'm bothered much more by the knots you tied yourself in trying not to tell me than by the charge itself. If you're going to be half-truthful about not being able to drive -a very small thing in the grand scheme- what might you not tell me about much bigger, more important stuff? I'm not willing to build even the most superficial connection based on what you showed me yesterday. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
There was a reason I resisted when you when you first approached me: I assumed, based on past experience with men your age, that there would be a 'maturity gap' between us. We talked a bit, you created the impression that you were more evolved, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I don't regret doing so, but I'm also glad I learned more about you before we became intimate. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I imagine this message makes you feel terrible; I know something like it would haunt me. But it felt important to reflect to you what I experienced, in hopes that women you meet in the future would be treated better. Please consider what I've said here the next time you approach anyone for any potential relationship, sexual or otherwise. Do unto others..."</blockquote>
<a href="http://www.savagelovecast.com/" target="_blank">Dan Savage</a>, bless him, talks often about his <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Campsite%20rule" target="_blank">campsite rule</a>: in relationships with a large age disparity, at the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in "better shape than they found them." Though I wince at the tone of my email from three-plus years ago, I think the underlying message was sound.<br />
<br />
Honesty and respect. Though they should be the foundation of any relationship, they are especially crucial in the Land of Many Partners.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>(PS. AbBoy messaged me month after month for literally years following my email. Thankfully, the campsite rule is as much about intention as actual success.)</i>NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-86893033752063956862013-11-09T06:00:00.000-06:002014-06-06T10:39:39.663-05:00Nonmonogamy versus Polyamory<i><b>May 16, 2014 update: a MUCH shorter (and, for me, more life-accurate) version of this post can be found at <a href="http://www.nonmonogamommy.com/2014/05/definitions-redux.html">Definitions, Redux</a>.</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<br />
=========<br />
I will preface this by saying these definitions are my own, distilled from reading and personal experience. There is no open relationship académie française; no one gets to declare canonical definitions. So if you run across someone who disagrees with me, have a dialogue and decide which concepts work for you.
<br />
<br />
------
<br />
I am nonmonogamous, and my primary is polyamorous.<br />
<br />
I date people in clutches, seeing each guy individually once or twice a month with periods of radio silence in between. Beyond practicing <a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/stds-hiv-safer-sex/safer-sex-4263.htm" target="_blank">safer sex</a>, we have no obligations to or claims upon one another. We are affectionate and supportive, but none of these pairings are "relationships."<br />
<br />
This is my nonmonogamy: I sleep with friends.<br />
<br />
Dodi is polyamorous. Dodi <i>loves</i>. He loves widely, passionately, and sometimes intimately. He is currently dating me and one other woman. He thinks of and refers to both of us as his girlfriends, though we've agreed that I am his <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminology_within_polyamory#Terminology_describing_relational_structures_and_connections" target="_blank">primary</a> and he is mine.<br />
<br />
Dodi behaves as all the best boyfriends do: he keeps himself apprised of our lives. He nurtures our physical and emotional intimacies. He makes small and large gestures of affection, making sure we both know without question how he feels about us.<br />
<br />
This is his polyamory: he loves two women deeply and happily.<br />
<br />
Within my experience, what we have is a little odd; usually, both partners have the same relationship style. Dodi and I are <a href="http://hipster-animals.tumblr.com/post/36885868893/marrieds" target="_blank">the Owl and the Pussycat</a>, two species dating with crossed fingers and a lot of hope. There may come a time when he chooses to date more casually, or I find a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminology_within_polyamory#Terminology_describing_relational_structures_and_connections" target="_blank">secondary</a> , but for the moment, these are our working definitions.<br />
<br />
As a semi-aside...you may hear those unfamiliar with the shadings of polyamory and nonmonogamy use the term "swinger" to describe any open relationship. Personally, I find this reductive and unintentionally offensive. Here's why:<br />
<br />
Swinging is usually -not always, but usually- about no-strings sex. Sometimes it's a one-off, sometimes it's with strangers, sometimes it's a blending of both of these with other stuff thrown in, or not. Though many couples swing together, the resulting...encounters...tend to be about sex and unrelated to friendships or relationships.<br />
<br />
Ain't nothing wrong with any of this. In my opinion, so long as you play <a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/stds-hiv-safer-sex/safer-sex-4263.htm" target="_blank">safe-r</a>, the boundaries of your interactions are none of my damn business. But swinging is not what <i>I</i>do.<br />
<br />
I sleep with friends. I'll go on more than a few dates with someone before I sleep with him. Names, emails and phone numbers are exchanged. <i> Long </i> before clothing disappears, we'll have A Grown-Up Conversation and confirm that we are willing to take the risks inherent to any sexual interaction. We are not groping in a dark corner and slinking away.<br />
<br />
Not that that's what swingers do.<br />
<br />
I mean, some do. Not that there's anything wrong with that.<br />
<br />
*sigh*<br />
<br />
ANYway...<br />
<br />
More than once, I've explained the above to someone (though in person, and with many fewer compound sentences), and gotten a blank stare. The differences are obvious to me, but still blurry to the listener.<br />
<br />
So here's the litmus test: if you would make a Major Life Decision without factoring its impact upon a given partner, that relationship is nonmonogamous rather than polyamorous.<br />
<br />
Boom. Done. : )<br />
<br />NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6700757780353289890.post-39505775759607586272013-11-08T04:00:00.000-06:002014-05-23T12:08:12.205-05:00Online Dating WTF-eree<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This tome used to live on my dating profile. I removed it because so many visitors complained about the length of my profile as a whole. Still, I think it has value, at least based on the number of men who've said, "I was going to do X, but then I saw it on your list!"</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Enjoy?</span><br />
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I spend a lot of time thinking about:</i></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why people think that covering the eyes in a photo renders the subject unrecognizable.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... requests for or promises of "no drama." What -happened- to you people? Did someone trick you into being a guest on Jerry Springer?</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why men's costumes trend. For a good while, it was Heath Ledger's Joker, now it seems to be Jack Sparrow. I can haz Malcolm Reynolds?</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why the same guys keep uploading the same naked photos, despite having been repeatedly flagged and then banned. Where's the sport in it? You'd do better on <a href="http://fetlife.com/">FetLife</a> (that link is NSFW, kids).</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why, when I'm less than a 50% match with someone, the issue is almost always flag versus book burning.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why I'm highly rated with rock climbers and other outdoors men. Boys, I can climb high ladders and that's about it. : (</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how men with only one photo -in which they appear both headless and shirtless- tend to be cheating on their partners (in my admittedly limited experience, headless + available = stepping out, but the real tipoff is usually use of the word "discreet").</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why some photos look stellar as thumbnails and UUUUUHHHH in zoom.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how the Obligatory Bathroom Mirror Photo Is rapidly being replaced by the Obligatory Sitting In The Car Photo (close second: Obligatory Overhead-Angle Lying On Pillow Photo).</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how if he crops his photo so all you get is -really- good chin, all you'll get is really good chin. *sadface*</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why someone would bother answering a question they find offensive. That's why there's a skip button.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... where all these belly button tats on men are coming from. Is this a trend I just didn't catch til now? Cuz...well, they won't age nicely, ifyouknowwhatimean. : (</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why so many men want rejection rather than silence. If you don't respond to -my- message, I get the hint. I don't need to know that you think I'm hideous/stupid/pathetic/damned to eternal suffering. And in this arena, I live by the golden rule.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how often and how much some of you regret your screen name choices.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... whether a profile is better off with no photo at all, or one Photoshopped into oblivion.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how many people shave a few years off their age to stay below </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">an arbitrary search cutoff.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why so many online daters think all plurals require apostrophes. : (</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... exactly what percentage of NYC men post acting headshots.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why people bother to list their ages in their profiles. The site does </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the math for you (up at the top, just under your username), so you look like a doofus when you say you're three years younger than your page does.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... what straight men have to do around here to consistently get </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">attention from straight women. Several fellas have asked my </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">advice, and what pulls me in is apparently unique. Other chicks </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">aren't drawn to thinly-veiled kink references - who knew?</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how to wean you guys off the phrase "partner in crime."</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why marrieds and other folk professing to use this site just to find </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">friendship bother posting pictures. I don't select my friends based </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">on appearance.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how people can be here for any length of time and not </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">realize responses to questions can be edited. It's so weird to see </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a "Yes/I meant to hit no!!!!" answer. Okay, sure, you have to wait </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a day and remember to go back and make the change, but that's </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hardly a monstrous sacrifice. Write yourself a post-it.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why men who consider homosexuality to be a sin and/or oppose </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">gay marriage would bother contacting me. Don't I exude PFLAG? I </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">will slap a rainbow graphic on my profile if I have to, people!</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why there isn't an language option between 'okay' and </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'fluently.' I speak Spanish rather well, but I'm nowhere near </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">fluent .</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why, when informed a screenname is unavailable, but that the </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">bot can add an '_taco' to the end to -make- it available, users don't just </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">pick a different name.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why people Randomly capitalize Words In their profiles.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... If guys who list themselves as "available," but don't explain </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">what that means to them, are trying to get away with something. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">:P</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... if a declaration of nonmonogamy gives the impression that I'm willing to strip on command. Yes, I have Skype. No, I won't talk to you on it.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... what prompts men to try to goad me into bed with insults. It's an ineffective and fairly loathsome technique, gents.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... when did do-rags come back? And also: yik .</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why people answer questions with the privacy setting on. I </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">assume it's accidental. Otherwise, why answer in the first place?</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... what the proper response is to "You can't possibly be [your </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">age]!" Options include, but are not limited to: "Thank you." "Are </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">you calling me a liar?" "Would you like to see the painting in my </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">attic?"</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why so many otherwise vanilla-seeming guys answer "Do you </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">want your partner to be kinkier than you?" with "Not possible." </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are they misunderstanding the question, or do they bury their </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">kink deeper than I'm able to spot?</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... if depopularizing the word 'chillax' will require a TARDIS. : (</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... why being openly nonmonogamous makes people presume I will </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">pimp out my friends.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... how, if you really like just one of someone's photos, that photo </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">inevitably and spectacularly fails to represents him. : (</span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... where you boys are finding crocodile/alligator sculptures to </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">thrust your limbs into. Just got visits moments apart from two -</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">TWO- different men whose primary photos show them being </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"bitten" by alli-crocs .</span></div>
</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... oh sweet geebiz, ENOUGH WITH THE ZOMBIES."</span></div>
</blockquote>
</div>
</div>
NonMonogaMommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17353912998994299098noreply@blogger.com0