Friday, November 8, 2013

Online Dating WTF-eree

This tome used to live on my dating profile. I removed it because so many visitors complained about the length of my profile as a whole. Still, I think it has value, at least based on the number of men who've said, "I was going to do X, but then I saw it on your list!"

"I spend a lot of time thinking about:

... why people think that covering the eyes in a photo renders the subject unrecognizable.
... requests for or promises of "no drama." What -happened- to you people? Did someone trick you into being a guest on Jerry Springer?
... why men's costumes trend. For a good while, it was Heath Ledger's Joker, now it seems to be Jack Sparrow. I can haz Malcolm Reynolds?
... why the same guys keep uploading the same naked photos, despite having been repeatedly flagged and then banned. Where's the sport in it? You'd do better on FetLife (that link is NSFW, kids).
... why, when I'm less than a 50% match with someone, the issue is almost always flag versus book burning.
... why I'm highly rated with rock climbers and other outdoors men. Boys, I can climb high ladders and that's about it. : (
... how men with only one photo -in which they appear both headless and shirtless- tend to be cheating on their partners (in my admittedly limited experience, headless + available = stepping out, but the real tipoff is usually use of the word "discreet").
... why some photos look stellar as thumbnails and UUUUUHHHH in zoom.
... how the Obligatory Bathroom Mirror Photo Is rapidly being replaced by the Obligatory Sitting In The Car Photo (close second: Obligatory Overhead-Angle Lying On Pillow Photo).
... how if he crops his photo so all you get is -really- good chin, all you'll get is really good chin. *sadface*
... why someone would bother answering a question they find offensive. That's why there's a skip button.
... where all these belly button tats on men are coming from. Is this a trend I just didn't catch til now? Cuz...well, they won't age nicely, ifyouknowwhatimean. : (
... why so many men want rejection rather than silence. If you don't respond to -my- message, I get the hint. I don't need to know that you think I'm hideous/stupid/pathetic/damned to eternal suffering. And in this arena, I live by the golden rule.
... how often and how much some of you regret your screen name choices.
... whether a profile is better off with no photo at all, or one Photoshopped into oblivion.
... how many people shave a few years off their age to stay below an arbitrary search cutoff.
... why so many online daters think all plurals require apostrophes. : (
... exactly what percentage of NYC men post acting headshots.
... why people bother to list their ages in their profiles. The site does the math for you (up at the top, just under your username), so you look like a doofus when you say you're three years younger than your page does.
... what straight men have to do around here to consistently get attention from straight women. Several fellas have asked my advice, and what pulls me in is apparently unique. Other chicks aren't drawn to thinly-veiled kink references - who knew?
... how to wean you guys off the phrase "partner in crime."
... why marrieds and other folk professing to use this site just to find friendship bother posting pictures. I don't select my friends based on appearance.
... how people can be here for any length of time and not realize responses to questions can be edited. It's so weird to see a "Yes/I meant to hit no!!!!" answer. Okay, sure, you have to wait a day and remember to go back and make the change, but that's hardly a monstrous sacrifice. Write yourself a post-it.
... why men who consider homosexuality to be a sin and/or oppose gay marriage would bother contacting me. Don't I exude PFLAG? I will slap a rainbow graphic on my profile if I have to, people!
... why there isn't an language option between 'okay' and 'fluently.' I speak Spanish rather well, but I'm nowhere near fluent .
... why, when informed a screenname is unavailable, but that the bot can add an '_taco' to the end to -make- it available, users don't just pick a different name.
... why people Randomly capitalize Words In their profiles.
... If guys who list themselves as "available," but don't explain what that means to them, are trying to get away with something. :P
... if a declaration of nonmonogamy gives the impression that I'm willing to strip on command. Yes, I have Skype. No, I won't talk to you on it.
... what prompts men to try to goad me into bed with insults. It's an ineffective and fairly loathsome technique, gents.
... when did do-rags come back? And also: yik .
... why people answer questions with the privacy setting on. I assume it's accidental. Otherwise, why answer in the first place?
... what the proper response is to "You can't possibly be [your age]!" Options include, but are not limited to: "Thank you." "Are you calling me a liar?" "Would you like to see the painting in my attic?"
... why so many otherwise vanilla-seeming guys answer "Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?" with "Not possible." Are they misunderstanding the question, or do they bury their kink deeper than I'm able to spot?
... if depopularizing the word 'chillax' will require a TARDIS. : (
... why being openly nonmonogamous makes people presume I will pimp out my friends.
... how, if you really like just one of someone's photos, that photo inevitably and spectacularly fails to represents him. : (
... where you boys are finding crocodile/alligator sculptures to thrust your limbs into. Just got visits moments apart from two -TWO- different men whose primary photos show them being "bitten" by alli-crocs .

... oh sweet geebiz, ENOUGH WITH THE ZOMBIES."

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