Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Old Lady Syndrome

not open to discussion or modification.


I added the above to my dating profile yesterday. I shouldn't have had to, but it seems the phrase immediately preceding it -"My age floor is thirty, and NON-NEGOTIABLE."- required some clarification.

Why, you may ask, have such an arbitrary age cutoff? Allow me to offer, for your reading pleasure, some opening salvos from the under-thirty set:

Bachelor #1, age 28
"You're sexy and I want to get to know you."
Bachelor #2, age 22
"How do I look up your nudes on the net"
Bachelor #3, age 23 (the following is so NSFW, you should probably just close your browser window right now)
"Youre so sexy! I'm crazy into older women :) 
I'll start out lubing your busty body up with oil and give you a 30 minute full body massage. Gotta make sure you're relaxed and stress free so you can cum all over me later on! Next will be a shit ton of foreplay, as I'll kiss every inch of your body. I'll start out by making out with you, biting your lower lip. Then I'll move down to your neck, kissing and gently biting (you don't need any hicky's lol). Then I'll make my way down to your chest, sucking on your soft breasts. I'll nibble on your nipples and listen to you moan softly. As I kiss down your lower stomach I'll dodge past your moist pussy, teasing you by gently biting your inner thighs. Your pussy will be like a swamp before I have even began to pleasure you. 
You're ready now. First I'll lick your clit for awhile, gradually building up the sensation. Then I'll do the ABC's on your pussy and begin to taste your soaking wet juices, all while rubbing your clit and massaging your outer pussy lips at the same time. Then I'll finger your G spot and make it swell up like a balloon. I'll start with one finger in a "cum here" motion and then after a while work in a second and alternate my fingers until.. 
You scream "I'M CUMMING, OH FUCK [redacted] IM CUMMING, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I'll just say "LET IT LOOSE, SHOOT IT ALL OVER ME". All of a sudden you'll be cumming like a waterfall and I'll be drenched in your juices ;) mmmmmm 
I'd love to fuck you good in Missionary with your legs in the air resting on my shoulders...I'll get nice and deep ;) Then I'll pound you nice and hard from behind in doggy style! I'd pull your hair and spank that sexy ass of yours! Also gotta mount you up on top of the thick hard dick and feel you ride me like a stallion! Bouncing up and down my throbbing shaft like its a pogostick..once again I'll make you cum so hard! This time all over my dick ;) and then I'll stick it in your mouth and let you suck the juices off and shoot my huge creamy load down your throat.. 
How do you feel about my imagination?! Lets fulfill this fantasy!!"
Bachelor #4, age 27
"Hey how are you? I read that part in your profile that said about the guy you'd date should be over 30. But who knows you might be meant to be with a younger guy. So give it a chance. And age is just a number"
(I responded to #4 with a link to a study showing the human brain doesn't reach maturity until the 30s and 40s. The rest were ignored with prejudice.)

What. The. Everloving. Fuck.

My mother had a similar problem a few decades back. Seems in her early forties, the only men who wanted to *ahem* date her were boys. So it's genetic? Because as soon as they perfect stem cell technology, I want this particular quirk of DNA undone.

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